Are You Codependent?
Perhaps you’ve heard about co-dependent relationships or even wondered if you have tendencies of being a codependent person. In today’s blog post, we’re going to explore what a codependent relationship is, signs and signals that you might be codependent or in a codependent relationship, and how to have a relationship with healthy dependency.
First, what is codependency? To put it simply, codependency is an enmeshed relationship in which one person loses their sense of independence and believes they need to tend to someone else. Some cornerstones of codependency are self-sacrifice, a tendency to focus on others, a need for control, and difficulty recognizing and expressing one’s emotions.
Signs You Might Be Codependent
You need approval from others. If you’re seeking or needing approval from others instead of using your own inner compass to validate your worth, decisions, and sense of self, you might be setting yourself up to be in a codependent relationship.
Your self-worth depends on what others think. Balance and independence doesn’t come from someone else’s opinion so if you’re always waiting to hear specific words of affirmation/validation or looking for someone else to tell you you’re enough or okay, it’s time you start working on this.
You apologize or take the blame to keep the peace in the relationship. If you’re afraid to have conflict or displease your partner, you might be in a codependent relationship. Conflict is expected when personalities come together and a healthy relationship would allow open, direct communication to resolve the conflict without needing to “please” the other person.
Avoiding conflict. If you find yourself always avoiding conflict, ask yourself why. Are you unsure of your own conflict resolution skills or are you people-pleasing?
You minimize or ignore your own desires. Often times a codependent person pushes their own desires, needs, or wants aside to accommodate or please the other person. Over time, this may develop into resentful feelings.
You feel guilt and anxiety when doing something for yourself. If you question whether taking time for yourself or treating yourself to something of interest is okay or even warranted, you may be codependent. Healthy relationships allow for each individual to take care of themselves without a sense of guilt, shame, or anxiety.
You show excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behavior. Of course you want to care for people, but when you become over-involved and don’t allow the other person to solve their own problems, you are showing codependent tendencies. Often times, your own boundaries are blurred and you may disrespect the boundaries of others.
You make decisions for others. Part of being in a healthy relationship is allowing the other person to experience whatever it is they are experiencing: emotions, conflicts, choices, etc. without needing to “do the work” for them. Make decisions for yourself, not for others.
You do things you don’t want to do to keep others happy. By people-pleasing, you’ve likely lost a sense of yourself. What makes you happy? If you’re worried about the other person’s mood, reaction, or behavior as a result of saying ‘no’ or choosing something else for yourself, is this really the relationship you want to be in? Saying ‘no’ is always your choice.
You fear being rejected or abandoned. A fear of rejection or abandonment may be a sign that you haven’t fully developed a love and comfort with yourself. Needing someone so much that you’re willing to people-please, sacrifice parts of yourself, or forego your personal boundaries is a sign that you might be codependent.
As you can see, there are several signs that point to one’s tendency towards being in a codependent relationship. The most important work you can do for yourself is develop your individuality and self-love. Don’t be fooled, self-love does not mean you’re arrogant, selfish, or egotistical. Self-love is filling up your cup fully so that you don’t need someone else to fulfill you. Your partner should not complete you, let him/her/them complement you.
Often times, a codependent relationship will leave you feeling drained, overwhelmed, resentful, or angry. If you start to notice any of these feelings developing in the relationship, check in with yourself - are any of the signs above happening?
What is Healthy Dependency?
Let’s now learn what healthy dependency looks and feels like in a relationship. Again, if your current relationship with someone does not have these four pillars, there might be some work to do!
You’re able to state your own needs and desires.
You ask for support when you need it.
You feel safe and comfortable expressing your own needs.
You let others know when they’re asking too much of you without worrying they’ll reject you.
First, in a healthy relationship there should be nothing stopping you from telling your partner what it is you want and need. Open communication is crucial in successful relationships. There is one caveat to this, do not expect that your partner will always fulfill your needs.
Next, you should be able to ask for help and support when you need it. Often in codependent relationships, caretaking becomes a sense of identity in the relationship usually at the price of one’s own needs. In a healthy relationship, asking for support is okay and expected.
Third, you should feel safe to express whatever you need to (feelings, insecurities, etc.) without trying to please the other person.
Finally, setting healthy boundaries for yourself and maintaining them is crucial in a strong relationship. Everyone has boundaries, just some people aren’t great at asserting them. In a healthy relationship, you want to be able to say ‘no’ without the worry that someone will reject you or abandon you. If they do, it’s not because you said “no”, it may be because they’ve never been asked to respect someone’s boundaries before.
Help! I’m Codependent, What Should I Do?
Breaking the cycle of codependency is absolutely possible, and it starts with you! Seeking therapy and learning skills to implement in your daily life is helpful. Practice, practice, practice! Developing your own sense of identity, identifying what your values are and then creating boundaries around them, and learning how to assertively communicate is a great start to getting on the right path.
If you’re currently in a codependent relationship, consider couples counseling to address behaviors on both sides of the relationship. The dynamic, as a whole, needs to shift and often times having a professional help you navigate these changes makes it a lot smoother.
Whatever the case is, know that you deserve a healthy and loving relationship where you can be 100% yourself without any limitations. If you start loving yourself in that way, you’ll be more likely to find someone else who will love you the same way. It always starts with you!