How to Spot a Love-Bomber
Love bombing, a form of emotional abuse, is becoming a hot term that people are using to describe a showering of affection, attention, and compliments that they experience in a relationship. But what is love bombing, really? It means, offering overly positive attention, often in the form of flattery. It may include frequent texts, compliments, surprise gifts, public displays of affection, among other things. You might be asking, “Isn’t this a positive thing to have in a relationship? “
The answer is yes, maybe. Showing affection is a healthy part of a relationship, generally speaking. Where is turns from sweet to toxic, is the intention behind the acts. Love bombers often want to influence their partner’s thoughts by controlling their emotions. You’ll often see this during the early stages of a relationship. For many of us, we know this initial infatuation stage as the “honeymoon phase” where all you want to do is spend time together when our bonding hormones are at their highest. Love bombing, however, takes this to a much more intense level.
Love bombers tend to exaggerate their feelings. For instance, a love bomber might say, “I’ve never been so into someone in my whole life,” or “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” Once the partner is captured by this loving language, the love bomber may start to enforce rules, test their partner, or try to make them prove their love. For example, if the partner does not respond to a text message within a few minutes, the love bomber might accuse them of not caring.
Another characteristic of love bombing is called “future faking” which is essentially promising a partner wonderful things in the future to keep the partner committed. The love bomber, however, does not have any intention of following through. This form of manipulation may sound like this, “In a few months, let’s take a really nice vacation together. It’ll be so romantic.” The idea hooks the partner meanwhile, the love bomber has not made any plans or commitments toward the vacation. Instead, it keeps the partner invested in the relationship for the time leading up to the “supposed vacation.” To take it further, the love bomber may buy gifts to use for the vacation making their partner feel special while reinforcing a false promise.
Is Love Bombing a Form of Gaslighting?
While both terms describe forms of manipulation, the difference is that gaslighting creates a sense of doubt and confusion in the partner to gain control whereas love bombing seeks control through excessive attention and affection.
Why is Love Bombing Unhealthy?
Some studies suggest that love bombing is common among narcissistic people as well as those with low self-esteem. It may also be an indication of an insecure attachment style. What you should understand is that love bombing is a form of emotional abuse. Using positive reinforcement through overwhelming attention and affection can create a sense of dependency and control within the relationship. A successful love bomber will often create a dynamic where the victim fears that if they do not follow the partner’s demands, they’ll be guilt-tripped or called insensitive or selfish.
So by this point you might be wondering how to distinguish a love bomber from a person who genuinely loves and adores you.
Signs You Might Be Dating a Love Bomber
They are extremely affectionate right from the start. If your date is telling you from the very beginning how much they like, or even love, you from the moment you met, they might be trying to form a sense of attachment as quickly as possible.
They may elevate your status. The partner may call you their soulmate or say you’re destined to be together - before they even really know much about you.
They may want you to commit quickly. If things seem to be moving fast, pay attention. They may want you to define or label the relationship quickly, have sex before you feel ready, or want to move in with you during this infatuation.
They surprise you with gifts. Sure it feels nice to receive thoughtful gifts, but frequent or extravagant gifts for no reason may be intended to win you over and compel you to stay.
They violate your boundaries. After you’ve mentioned things that you’re not okay or comfortable with, the love bomber will often dismiss or violate those boundaries. They might even act like a victim and call you selfish or ridiculous if they don’t like your boundaries.
You’re afraid of upsetting them. You might find yourself worrying about upsetting your partner if you make other plans, don’t respond right away, or do something other than what they want. This is not a sign of a healthy relationship dynamic.
How to Handle a Love Bomber
If you suspect you’re being love bombed, it’s incredibly important for you to muster up all of your courage and confidence and state your boundaries clearly. Next, make sure you articulate that your boundaries are non-negotiable. A partner who is in the relationship for the right reasons will respect your boundaries and not try to convince you otherwise. If they say they agree but then continue to violate your boundaries, do not make excuses for this behavior. This is a good time to call things off. Because love bombers want to take away your sense of control, breaking things off is a way for you to maintain control over your emotions and experiences.
Of course, I want you to find a relationship that is exciting, loving, and one that comes with attention and affection. Remember, healthy relationships are centered on respect, equality and understanding, and personal boundaries. If you feel like you’re in a love-bombing situation or want to learn ways to attract a healthy relationship, schedule a session and let’s talk! It would be my pleasure to help you develop a keen eye for what behaviors will serve you positively and those that will not.