What I Wish Someone Told Me When I Went to College

For many of you, you’re embarking on this new adventure in your life. You’re off to college, the land of newfound freedom. You’ve probably heard from people in your life that you’re going to love college or that it’ll be the best four years of your life, live it up! I say these words to my clients and to others I know because this is how I came out of my college years feeling. Those were some awesome years that sometimes you can only truly appreciate once they are in your past. But this post isn’t about the common advice that you hear, this is about the things I wish were more commonly discussed as students head off to college. Let’s talk about why it feels so weird in the beginning of this journey.

Knowledge Every College Student Should Have:

1). You’ve having sensory overload.

Intellectually, you know that you’re experiencing a major change in your life - you started a whole new chapter. Underneath your excitement (or nervousness), just consider what is happening on your insides. Your body, brain, and nervous system are having sensory overload - it’s going to feel like a shock to your system. That first month or two of college, your body and brain are taking in so much! It’s going to take time for you to regulate yourself and get into a comfortable rhythm. Right now, everything feels new. The bed your sleeping in isn’t what you’re used to, the lighting is different, the smells are new, the people you’re meeting are unfamiliar. The environment is different, your sleeping schedule is off, you’re sharing spaces with others, it’s all a shock to your system. Here’s the thing - everyone deals with this change differently. But the one thing everyone is doing the same is that everyone is trying to make it look like they have it all together. But the reality is, they don’t. Everyone is processing the change and it’s mostly happening internally. It’s okay if this time feels uncertain or emotional. Give yourself space to cry and feel those emotions. Emotions will rise and fall, but it’s your job to allow them to have this rhythm.

You may be having doubts of whether you made the right choice in school or program. This is normal! You’re processing change and it’s common to question whether this is a good fit for you. Give it time. Your body and brain need time to adjust and acclimate. You will adjust to the newness, get into a rhythm with classes, determine what you like to eat or where you like to eat, etc.

Give yourself a break and give yourself some grace during this time. You’re going through a lot!

Here is the life hack I suggest for this: CREATE A ROUTINE. You’ve gone through your school years with a routine. You had to wake up at a certain time, get to school by a certain hour, have after school activities, etc. Now that you’re in college and your day is not planned out for you with quite the same structure, it is up to you to organize your time. One of the biggest pieces of advice I can offer to help your body adjust and regulate is to create a schedule for yourself. Most of us thrive with predictability, routine, and discipline.

Suggested first step: When you wake up, do not sit in your bed and scroll on your phone. Create a morning routine that involves movement. Get up, get dressed, and incorporate exercise. This is the fastest way to get your body in alignment.

2. If you’re feeling bored, it doesn’t mean you’re doing college wrong, it means you’re doing it right.

This is the first time in your life where you have massive amounts of time with nothing planned. Suddenly, you’re living a life with time between classes, entire weekends without anything going on, or open days with no classes. So what the heck do you do with that time? Most college students aren’t used to this experience and so managing and organizing their free time can bring up emotions. I’m here to tell you, if you’re feeling bored, it’s okay! What I don’t want you to do is sit around in your dorm room during those boring times and do nothing, especially staring at your phone. No, I want you to use that time to get out of your room and explore. There is so much going on around campus. Walk out of your dorm room, stroll around campus and find something new. Just explore! Walk into buildings and facilities that you haven’t been in. Read brochures and flyers that are hung up around campus. Post-grads often regret not exploring more or taking advantage of all their college had to offer. Go to your campus pool’s free swim, climb the rock wall, go try out some clubs, sit in on a lecture, go for a hike or bike ride, apply for a campus job or volunteer opportunity, there is so much available to you!

3. Everyone is internally processing change. What you’re going to see on the outside often times isn’t the real story (and it might appear crazy).

As everyone is adjusting to this massive change in their life, what you might not see is how people feel about it on the inside (scared, uncertain, nervous, insecure, exhausted). What you will see are behaviors on the outside that mask those internal experiences. Some kids who have had tight reigns on them living at home or have had an overstructured schedule through their childhood now have this freedom. They have no idea how to handle it. The change is so fast, you have to go slow. What I mean by this is that you’ll see students coming out hot from the gate: they’ll be partying all the time, drinking way too much, skipping classes, wanting to hang out way past a reasonable bed time, hooking up with each other without really knowing one another, making poor decisions, etc. This is a recipe for disaster. Many of those students will hit a hard reality this semester - it’s not going to work out. They might end up on academic probation, have health crises, find themselves with a negative reputation that’s hard to erase. You know what this looks like. It’s simply not good.

That first month of college, everyone is trying to cope with the discomfort of change. As a result, you might see a lot of ambulances because people can’t handle their alcohol. They drank way too much, too fast. My belief is that these behaviors are cover ups for insecurities and/or undeveloped skills such as socialization, time management, or emotion regulation. Here’s my message: you’re going to have plenty of time to party, hook up, stay up late. Four years to be exact! You do not need to go all in during those first few months. In fact, I want you to do the opposite. GO SLOW. You’re going to have freedom for four years. GO SLOW.

Using alcohol or other substances is only a coping or masking mechanism. Everyone is unsure of where they fit in. Yes, “liquid courage” might make it feel easier to socialize, but it’s time to grow up and get comfortable socializing without needing a substance. This may sound harsh to some of you, but I mean it. You know the basics of how to meet new people: SMILE, SAY HELLO, ASK THEM A QUESTION EITHER ABOUT THEMSELF OR THE SITUATION, EXTEND AN INVITATION SOMEWHERE, or FIND SOMETHING IN COMMON AND TALK ABOUT IT. Here is a behavioral hack: Smile as you walk into a room. This simple behavior helps others perceive you as friendly and approachable.

If you’re at a party and don’t want to drink, hold a water bottle in your hand. You’re fine. Nobody really cares. All you have to say casually is, “I’m not drinking tonight” then change the subject. It really is that simple.

4. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t meet close friends right away.

Here’s the thing, everyone coming to college is experiencing different degrees of newness. For most people, it’s all new people to get to know. We all approach socializing in our own way. If you’re extroverted, you’ll be likely to strike up conversation easily and find interactions energizing. If you’re introverted, you may find small talk and the act of learning new people daunting or de-energizing. Both are okay! For the introverts, find clubs that offer a more genuine, intimate setting to meet others with something already in common with you. Sign up to take on a specific role somewhere (campus job, volunteer position, help your RA organize a dorm event, etc). The only way you’re going to meet people is to let them meet you. Put yourself out there!

Generally, in the beginning, people try to attach to others quickly because it brings them a sense of security and comfort. Whether it’s your roommate, suite mates, teammates, etc., this is common behavior. You may have the feeling that everyone seems to have someone, except for you, which can feel very lonely. I know this feeling because I felt it too. How is it so easy for some people to have already found their group? Well, here is the reality: some of those groups are formed soley out of need for security. Maybe they met each other during orientation and have chosen to cling onto each other. Others may be that people who have gravitated to what is familiar. Maybe they grew up in the same town or share something in common already such as a sport. See what I mean?

Over time, you may realize, these aren’t your “people”. That’s okay! As you adjust and start to feel more secure in yourself and your surroundings, you can start the quest to find people you really feel you can be yourself around.

From personal experience, during my freshman year, I had a few acquaintances based on convenience (students on my hall) and my roommate that I could hang out with or go to dinner with, but that was it. I didn’t have anyone that I felt that really deep, secure relationship with. There were many days I didn’t have anyone to go to lunch or dinner with. I remember feeling very lonely and questioning, “What’s wrong with me?” I’d choose to get a grab-n-go meal and bring it back to my dorm room to eat by myself. At the time, I didn’t know what else to do. I was on the shyer side, so saddling up to someone I barely knew or didn’t know at all was absolutely not in my comfort zone. What I would go back now and tell myself is, “It’s okay. This is a great time to get comfortable being alone in your own company. You’ll find your friends in due time.” You see, I never had this experience growing up. I had my set group of friends and when I didn’t have them, I had my family to spend time with. This was my first experience really navigating the social world by myself.

Then, sophomore year, I met new people on my new dorm hallway and BOOM. Those became my life long friends! So, don’t give up if you’re not finding those connections right away. It will happen if you stay committed to getting involved and use the behaviors that attract others: smile, be helpful, show interest in others, get involved, and remain reliable. Trust that life is going to bring you the people that you need. You may find them in a club, class, dorm, or through other acquaintances. Stay open to finding friends anywhere and have a very flexible approach to finding friendships. Trust your likeability!

5. Your best college experience is at your college. Stop comparing your experience to others via social media!

I didn’t have social media or cell phones when I was in college (thank goodness!) so my only way to compare my experience to others was through word of mouth or shared photographs. If I went and visited a friend on their campus, that was also another way to compare my life to theirs. But nowadays, as many of you will relate, you’re bombarded with daily, curated images of others’ lives. Be careful with this - people share what they want you to see and they share things in hopes that you’ll perceive them in a specific way. It’s not a full lens on reality. So don’t find yourself sitting in your dorm room, scrolling on your phone, pitying your life and your experience. “My college sucks.” Stop. Stop clinging to your high school friends or girlfriend/boyfriend or your phone. Stop watching your friends living their life through social media - go create your own college experience. For every hour that you pour into watching others and feeling bad about what you “don’t have”, you’re wasting time creating the life you could have. Get off your phone!

6. Get comfortable being alone.

This is a great life lesson that college can offer you. You do not need someone by your side or holding your hand anymore to be ‘okay’. Trust that you can handle situations. This is where you develop confidence and a sense of competence. There is no such thing as failure, so try! Push through something that feels challenging, frustrating, or uncomfortable. Don’t let lonliness or insecurity get in your way of doing things alone: Go eat alone in the cafeteria (take a book if you feel ungodly uncomfortable and read it while you eat), go to the information center alone and check it out, sign up for a club alone, walk into a room alone and introduce yourself. The more you do things alone, the faster you become more confident in yourself. This will serve you SO WELL in your life, trust me.

What I want you to do is stop creating stories in your head during the times you don’t have plans or are alone. Just because you’re by yourself doesn’t mean you’re not likeable or loveable. It doesn’t mean that you’re a loser. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. Watch those stories that come up in your brain and choose not to attach to them. Rewrite those stories with more affirming statements such as “I enjoy my own company” or “I get to use this time however I want”.

7. You’re allowed to change your mind.

Don’t get caught up in the lie that is “You need to know what your path is to make college worth it.” Um, NO! College is a time to explore both yourself and the world around you. You are not stuck with anything (another life lesson). If there is something about your college experience that is not working for you, it is up to you to ask for help or guidance. This could be your chosen major, your roommate who you no longer get along with, your mental health, anything. If it’s no longer feeling ‘right’ or good to you, you’re not stuck. Ask for support, advocate for yourself. You have RAs, health centers, academic advisors or deans, professors, and many more resources at your fingertips that you can turn to.

On the topic of majors and course work, so many students go into their college years with a sense of what they want to study. I did! I was a biology major with a dream of becoming a marine biologist specializing in dolphin behavior. Yep, you read that correctly. So, I started my first year taking courses that aligned with that direction: biology and associated labs of course. After my first year, I started to feel differently but continued on my path because I thought it’s what I had to do. It wasn’t until one of my psychology professors (I took a psych course just to satisfy a credit) pulled me aside and said, “Wendy, have you ever considered a career in the psychology field? You seem like you’d be a natural for this line of work.” Flattered but blindsided, I shook my head ‘no’ and explained that I was a biology major. Within that discussion with the professor I realized, I could change my mind. I didn’t have to stay on my original path. I could pivot and explore other options. And so I did, I elected a different major (and all the courses that came with it) and even chose a minor in education which I hadn’t considered. After that decision, everything fell into place. I still wasn’t sure how I would use a psychology degree but I knew I really loved the courses I was taking and found genuine interest in the content.

So here is what I want to tell you: You do not need to know your final destination. “Don’t get lost in the studying and miss the education.” College is not all about the classes and studying. College is part of the school of life. You learn so much about yourself and life during these years. It’s always okay to change your mind. Your college tuition isn’t going down the drain if you graduate and still aren’t sure what you want to do. You will figure it out. For now, just learn about everything and anything that interests you. Influences have a way of finding you and guiding you.

8. Every year of college is different. Embrace change and remind yourself that you can handle it.

Some aspects of college will be the same year to year, but every year brings different stressors, sights, sounds, smells, people, etc. Your routine will change based on what’s on your plate that year. There’s something that people don’t talk about alot which is that you can get to each year and feel the same sense of overwhelm, loneliness, or boredom. But that is what college teaches you, life is always changing and you are constantly called to adapt. I want you to reflect on your past and recognize all the times you have had to overcome newness or challenging times. Perhaps that was freshman year of high school. Or perhaps your friends ditched you at some point in your life and you had to make new friends. I can guarantee you that you’ve proven to yourself before that you are capable of handling difficult feelings and circumstances. You can always adjust and take the helm of your ship and steer it in the way you want.

My Parting Words

So I leave you with this. Give yourself grace. Allow yourself time to find your flow. You’re never alone, although sometimes you might feel like you are. You’re only a phone call away from someone you know and you’re only footsteps away from venturing out and designing a life you wish to lead. The one common denominator is you. You get to decide how you want to feel. If you don’t like how you’re feeling, do something positive to change it. Whatever you do, don’t wallow in your circumstance. Adjust your attitude and your perspective and chase what you desire.

With time, you are going to fall in love with this chapter of your life! I’m so excited for you. It’s really scary to start a new chapter of your life and you’re doing it! There are going to be ups and downs and you are going to learn a lot. You’ll have regrets or painful memories. But you’ll also have the sweet and fond memories which I hope you cherish for the rest of your life. With time, it is going to get better.

I really hope this advice is helpful and if you’re willing to put some of my suggestions into action, I believe you’re going to have a great outcome. And if no one has told you this today, I want to be here to say “You’ve got this, you have everything it takes to be successful. You’re amazing! Now go share your gifts with the world around you.”

If you’re interested in scheduling a session, please reach out, I’m here to help!