I am a People Pleaser, What Should I Do?
Isn’t it a good thing to want to make others happy? Shouldn’t I care about meeting the needs of others? The answers to these questions, in my opinion, is YES. It’s great to care about others feelings and needs, but not when it causes you to dismiss your own. So what does it mean to be a people-pleaser? Let’s take a look…
A people pleaser is someone who senses the real (or imagined) distress of another person and, in turn, feels quite uncomfortable with it. The people-pleaser feels compelled to rescue the other person from their feelings (real or perceived) by saying “yes” to situations they may not actually want to say yes to, not setting appropriate personal boundaries, or suppressing their own feelings in order to create a peaceful, non-confrontational atmosphere.
What’s Really Going On If You Identify With the People-Pleasing Persona?
In my clinical experience, I have noticed that most people-pleasing behaviors stem back to childhood experiences. Often times, people-pleasers have learned to dismiss or completely be unaware of their own body’s needs and feelings. Instead, you quiet your own feelings and focus on their other person’s experience. This is a learned habit from childhood. Think back to your childhood…were there times when conflict was happening around you (ie. parents fighting, bullying, siblings getting in trouble) and the best way to “survive” was to be “good” or to “please” the other person to escape punishment or some type of consequence? If you witnessed your parents fighting, perhaps you perceived that experience negatively and chose to people-please to avoid future confrontation yourself due to the displeasure that you experienced as a child. Note the association you have between a witnessed experience, how you interpreted it, and how it felt in your body.
People-pleasing is a state of anxiety, often rooted in fearful thinking and beliefs. What are you afraid will happen if you say “no”? What are you uncomfortable feeling if you honor your needs?
Is It Possible to Care for Both My Needs and Someone Else’s Needs?
Absolutely! The difference is, you don’t need to save someone from feeling unpleasant, uncomfortable emotions such as frustration, anger, or sadness. You can say ‘yes’ to yourself and ‘no’ to someone else and let them be in their feelings. They may react strongly at first, but this usually passes quickly. Your work is to honor your feelings, stand in them, and allow others to be in their feelings too.
If you didn’t have good conflict resolution skills demonstrated around you as a child, it’s likely that you are unsure how to resolve conflict too. You may be anxious that if you upset someone else, they will abandon you, HATE you, reject you, or have unkind words about you. Is any of this ringing true for you? For instance, if you share how you’re feeling about someone’s behavior with them and they get angry with you, do you fear they will never want to be your friend again? Do you worry that they will say negative things about you to other people? If so, then the question becomes, what do YOU value? Do you value how YOU feel or do you care more about being accepted and loved by someone else? If it’s the latter, then the work starts there. Why is love and acceptance so important to you and when in your life did you not have that causing you to prioritize it now?
The way you honor your feelings or opinions while also caring about others’ needs is simple: Reflect back to the person you’re talking to about what you think they may be expressing/feeling and then state what you want them to understand about you. An example of this:
“I know you really want me to come out with you tonight because it’ll be fun and you don’t want to go alone, but I really want a night home to rest and relax. I’d be happy to join you another time though!”
-OR-
“When you called me selfish, that really bothered me because I don’t feel like I am a selfish person. I care about others a lot, but I also care about myself and that’s okay too.”
In these examples, you state your feelings with conviction. You allow yourself to express what you’re experiencing while allowing the other person to better understand you. How they react and behave as a result has NOTHING to do with you.
Steps to Overcoming People Pleasing Behaviors
You’re probably wondering, so how do I stop being this way? How do I stop people-pleasing since I’ve been doing it for so long? For many, fully expressing yourself hasn’t been acceptable or perhaps even encouraged. You may constantly reduce or minimize your self-expression because you’re so worried about how it will be perceived, and in turn, what reaction you’ll get in response. Maybe you’ve always people pleased and have never experienced what it is like to fully unburden yourself of your feelings with another person. You’ve been accustomed to holding things back.
Therapy is a great first step in overcoming this behavior. Your therapist can guide you in practicing narratives and scripts to successfully start stating how you really feel. Ideally, your therapist will help you identify how people pleasing became a coping mechanism from childhood to protect yourself. In therapy, you’ll learn to identify your “people pleasing mode” both in your thoughts and in your somatic (felt sense in your body) experience. When you notice your mode turning on, you’ll work on strategies to relax and redirect your anxiety in order to meaningfully tune into your body and express what it is your really want to say.
If you find yourself people-pleasing, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. You’ll learn a bunch of strategies to use to overcome this behavior pattern and best of all, you’ll develop a keen awareness into yourself that is timeless. To schedule a session, visit www.sittingtreecounseling.com.