Learning to Be Assertive at Any Age
Assertiveness is one of those social-emotional skills that isn’t always taught as we grow up. Sometimes we learn this skill from watching those around us, but often times, if we don’t see assertiveness modeled for us, it can feel scary to adopt.
Assertiveness is a form of healthy communication that allows us to speak up for ourselves in an honest and respectful way. Life is full of situations that require us to be assertive: approaching a teacher with a question, asking for help, asking someone out on a date, or doing well in a job interview, for example.
Assertiveness in the Workplace:
Voicing your ideas on projects or tasks
Valuing your opinions and communicating them openly and respectfully
Asking for a salary raise
Assertiveness in School:
Asking a teacher to spend extra time helping you learn a skill/review for a test
Speaking up when you or someone else is being mistreated
Trying out for a club/team
Assertiveness in a Relationship:
Stating your feelings and thoughts freely and respectfully
Labeling your emotions and asking for what you need
Setting boundaries when behaviors don’t align with your values or desires
So as you can see, assertiveness shows up in many places (or it should). But the truth is, many people don’t fully understand what assertiveness is. It’s an interplay between how we communicate and how we treat others in conversation.
Being assertive means that you respect yourself enough to put forward your thoughts while also respecting another’s point of view. When you’re being assertive, you are being open about what you need (and being discerning about what you won’t tolerate). Being assertive is about mutual respect - it’s about finding an outcome that suits both parties.
Steps to Being Assertive
Speak up: People can’t read your mind, so it’s up to you to express yourself openly and directly. Use “I statements” to avoid sounding critical. (ie. “I have another suggestion” instead of “You’re wrong.” or “I would prefer to stay home tonight, but thank you for the invite.”) Stating your needs shows that you value yourself just as much as you value others.
Learn to say no: Saying no is not selfish, it shows that you’re able to prioritize and set healthy limits. If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying no, not yet, or not now. Every time you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else. You don’t owe others an explanation, but if you feel you need to state a reason, keep it short and simple.
Be curious about others’ perspectives: Part of being assertive is trying to remain open to another’s point of view. Ask open-ended questions such as, “How did you arrive at that answer?” or “What do you feel is the best outcome in this scenario?” Listen without thinking about what you are wanting to say. Just listen.
Mind your tone of voice: It’s not always what you say, but HOW you say it that matters. A perceived negative tone will likely create defensiveness and sabotage the conversation. 20% of our communication is through verbal expression. The rest, is our non-verbal body language - so be mindful that you’re using body language that is open, warm, and inviting.
Respond, don’t react: If you notice yourself starting to react or getting defensive, take a deep breath and pause. Calm your emotions before you speak.
Disagree respectfully: It’s absolutely okay to disagree with someone, but what assertiveness means in this situation is to state your stance without putting the other person’s ideas down. You don’t need to make the other person feel as if they are wrong.
Common Reasons Why People Find it Hard to be Assertive
Fearing others reactions seems to be a very common deterrent for being assertive. This may stem from a lack of confidence in one’s self or trying too hard to be liked. Also, some develop a sensitivity to criticism or rejection of their feeling/ideas causing them to avoid situations where they may feel a sense of rejection again. Think to yourself of times when you tried to have a voice or express your feelings/thoughts and it wasn’t received well…has that informed how you approach situations in your current life?
So how do you learn to be assertive if these are fears you have? Practice and positive feedback is the answer. Find opportunities to say ‘no’ and then immediately give yourself positive feedback on a job well done. You made a choice without needing approval or inclusion from someone else. It may feel scary or uncomfortable several times before it starts to feel safer and more accepted. Trust the process!
The key to practicing assertiveness is to have confidence in what you feel and think, state your needs calmly and clearly, and act in a controlled manner. If you’re nervous about stating your needs, rehearse what you want to say before the moment arises. Talk to yourself in a mirror as if you’re talking to someone else. State your needs clearly (ie. “I am going to choose not to go out tonight. I haven’t had a quiet night to myself in a while, and I feel I really need it. Let’s get together another time. Have fun!”). You said ‘no’ and you stated your needs. Even better, you left space for another opportunity to say yes in the future.
If you suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out), ask yourself if things will really change if you say no. Will your friends totally abandon you? If they do, how strong was the friendship afterall? If your friends share memories from the time you didn’t join in and you feel like you can’t contribute to the conversation, think again - you can! Express that it sounds like they had a lot of fun and you’re happy for them. They will love your positivity.
One other reason people fear being assertive is the worry of coming across as aggressive. Well, there is a way to be aggressive when asserting yourself, but it comes down to the mutual respect thing. Being closed off to the other person’s thoughts and feelings, only thinking about how you’re going to “win”, and putting down someone’s efforts can be aggressive. To steer clear of this, aim to assert yourself in a way that honors your feelings but makes room for someone else’s.
Remember, your ideas and opinions are just as valuable as anyone else’s. Align your voice to this very notion - you are important, what you say/feel/think matters.
If you need help developing your assertiveness skills, let’s talk about this in session. Practice really helps and I’d be happy to support you in your journey.