Dealing with Your Own Jealousy
Jealousy, the emotion that often gets a bad rap. The truth is, jealousy is neither bad nor good. It’s simply an emotion. When jealousy sets in, I want you to see it as a signal that something else is happening within you. See jealousy as a “cover-up” emotion for a deeper feeling that needs your attention.
Jealousy can show up in romantic relationships, friendships, in professional environments, within family, and elsewhere. As your jealousy shows up, consider it an opportunity to improve your emotional intelligence by recognizing, understanding, and managing your feelings.
Before we dive into jealousy, let’s understand the difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is a feeling around wanting to have something that someone else has. For example, I envy her stylish wardrobe or I envy his ability to speak so eloquently in front of an audience. Jealousy, on the other hand, refers to seeing a person or thing as an obstacle to you receiving love, attention, affection, etc. When you’re feeling jealous, your “cover up” emotion, you’re likely acting on an unmet emotional need within your relationship.
When you feel jealous, you may find yourself feeling angry, slighted, irritable, or frustrated, right? Those feelings are uncomfortable, but don’t do yourself a disservice by rushing through them or pushing them aside. Each of those emotions, including jealousy, can be processed into a healthy expression of needs and desires.
So let’s look at a few ways to deal with jealousy:
1) Notice and admit that you’re feeling jealous.
Just because you feel jealous, you’re not a bad person. What you choose to do with your jealousy can make a difference. Get in the habit of acknowledging all your emotions, even the ones you may label as “bad”. Having a wide range of emotions is part of the human experience. First, I’d like you to think about your own perception of jealousy:
Do you feel that being jealous makes you feel like a bad person?
Do you think being jealous is socially unacceptable?
Does it trigger a feeling of powerlessness about the situation?
Is there shame connected to the feeling of jealousy?
These questions can help you start to understand your jealousy and potentially move past any barriers you have toward accepting jealousy for what it is - an emotion. Instead, I’d like you to:
Affirm to yourself that all thoughts and feelings are important to the human experience
Remember that your emotions need space and time to be processed
2) Identify your unmet or unsaid needs.
Remember how I said jealousy is often a cover for unexpressed or unmet emotional needs? Yep, it’s time to explore those. Exploring your needs may feel uncomfortable, initially, because you’re strengthening your sense of vulnerability. Reviewing your past offers opportunities to learn more about yourself, how you show up in relationships, and what possible areas of growth may be for you. Therapy is a wonderful space to explore these needs, but you can also start asking yourself a few key questions:
What is this emotion trying to tell me?
Where do I feel unseen in this relationship?
What do I believe I’m losing?
What am I no longer getting from this relationship that I believe the other person/thing is now getting instead?
Question your emotions, look under the hood. Emotions are simply forms of communication, but underneath are often unmet needs or past wounds trying to be healed.
3) You’re deserving of repair work.
Deciding who to share your inner most feelings and thoughts with matters. By going to the person you’re in a relationship with and sharing your emotions, you’re developing emotional intimacy and connection through vulnerability. By sharing your jealousy and that you want to move past it, you bring light to your unmet needs and give the relationship a chance to heal. Here is an example of how that might sound:
“I want to share with you how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s uncomfortable with me to share, so I hope you can just listen and be with me as I work through what’s going on for me. I notice I’m getting jealous when you [identify what behavior causes your jealousy]. When I see this, I feel [include any emotion you feel alongside your jealousy] because [share how it’s affecting you]. I want to be able to [name changes you want to see] and I’m hoping you can help me with this.”
By using this type of wording, leading with “I-statements”, you’re not attacking the other person but rather engaging them in your experience of the relationship. Allow the other person to participate in solutions with you. Additionally, it’s important to note that how you say this matters. Your tone of voice will directly affect how the other person receives your message. So practice this in a calm tone many times before actually having the conversation. I suggest practicing this in front of a mirror as if you’re talking to the other person - rehearse and develop a comfort with yourself first.
4) Choose an appropriate response.
Jealousy, particularly in the heat of the emotion, can be damaging to a relationship mostly due to rash decisions and behaviors that may accompany it. What I would like you to learn is to recognize your first signals of jealousy and make a conscious choice to not ‘act on it’ as you’re noticing the emotion. If you’re able to take a few moments to self-soothe and inquire about the emotion, you’re less likely to make a regrettable choice. Try this once you notice your jealousy:
Deep breathing (inhale for 5 seconds, slowly exhale 5 seconds - repeat)
Shake out your hands as if you’re releasing that energy
Find a mindful activity such as a coloring book, guided meditation, washing dishes, etc.
The Take Away
Jealousy is an opportunity for you to develop a deeper connection with yourself. What is the jealousy really trying to express? What behaviors can you choose instead of ones tied to anger or fear?
Once you notice your unmet or unsaid needs, you have an opening to bring greater depth and connection to your relationships. As always, it’s encouraged to work with a therapist or another trusted person to help you navigate these emotions and bring a healthy perspective to your experience.